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The Tardigate Crisis

by Matt MacBride

EXCERPT FROM THE ARLINGTON CHRONICLE LEAD ARTICLE, dated October 12, 2026.

LIFE DISCOVERED ON MARS!

The question that scientists have been asking for decades has finally been answered! There is life on Mars! Early yesterday morning, the Perseverance Mars Rover detected small movements on a ridge. The Rover is now approaching the location to conduct a closer examination.

EXCERPT FROM THE ARLINGTON CHRONICLE LEAD ARTICLE, dated October 14, 2026.

MARTIAN LIFE FORMS IDENTIFIED!

Zoologists, studying images of the Martian life forms, have identified them as a species of tardigrade. Otherwise known as a water bear. Tardigrades are an eight legged micro-animal, known to be able to survive in extreme conditions. They are normally microscopic in size. But the Martian species appears to have grown to the size of caterpillars.

EXCERPT FROM THE ARLINGTON CHRONICLE LEAD ARTICLE, dated October 17, 2026.

RUSSIAN PRESIDENT CLAIMS MARS IS PART OF RUSSIAN FEDERATION!

In a televised announcement yesterday, the Russian president claimed Mars is the property of the Russian Federation. His claim is based on the fact that, when the Soviet Mars 3 Lander touched down on the red planet in December 1971, it was carrying various experiments and samples. These included several Siberian Tardigrades. As the tardigrades are Russian, and have now colonized Mars, the planet therefore belongs to the Federation.

EXCERPT FROM THE ARLINGTON CHRONICLE LEAD ARTICLE, dated October 18, 2026.

US PRESIDENT REFUTES RUSSIAN CLAIM TO MARS!

The White House today issued a statement dismissing Russian claims to the planet Mars. The president declared the Russian stance to be totally ridiculous and laughable. To quote the President’s words; “The presence of a few Russian bugs in no way constitutes valid proof of ownership. I intend to order NASA to use the laser on Perseverance to fry those cooties and sanitize the planet.” Experts agreed with the President’s decision, on the basis that the introduction of terrestrial life to Mars could endanger the evolution of new alien life forms.

EXCERPT FROM THE ARLINGTON CHRONICLE LEAD ARTICLE, dated October 19, 2026.

RUSSIAN PRESIDENT GRANTS CITIZENSHIP TO MARTIAN TARDIGRADES!

At a ceremony held at the Kremlin this morning, the President of the Russian Federation bestowed Russian citizenship on all tardigrades, saying they were valued members of Russian society. He also said that the symbol of the Russian Bear would be changed to the Russian Water Bear, in honor of their contribution to the colonization of Mars.

EXCERPT FROM THE ARLINGTON CHRONICLE LEAD ARTICLE, dated October 20, 2026.

US PRESIDENT ORDERS DESTRUCTION OF MARTIAN TARDIGRADES!

An unnamed source at NASA has confirmed that Perseverance has begun eliminating tardigrades. The onboard laser, normally used for blasting rocks to obtain dust samples, is remotely aimed, and our source reported that shooting the bugs is more fun than Call of Duty. The operation is expected to last several weeks as the colony extends over a larger area than first thought.

EXCERPT FROM THE ARLINGTON CHRONICLE LEAD ARTICLE, dated October 21, 2026.

KREMLIN ISSUES WARNING OVER MURDER OF RUSSIAN CITIZENS!

A spokesperson for the Russian Federation has issued a warning that the unwarranted massacring of innocent citizens amounts to genocide, and will not be tolerated. The statement goes on to state that, if it is not halted immediately, there will be dire consequences. Other reports have been received that the Russian Pacific Fleet has sailed from its base near Vladivostok, and is heading towards the USA.

EXCERPT FROM THE ARLINGTON CHRONICLE LEAD ARTICLE, dated October 22, 2026.

US PRESIDENT LEAVES WHITE HOUSE!

The US President together with his family have reportedly left the White House for an unknown destination. The move is due to heightened tensions between the US and Russia, over the crisis which has become known as Tardigate. Before leaving, the President made a short speech to White House staffers, thanking them for their continued support at this difficult juncture in his administration.

EXCERPT FROM THE ARLINGTON CHRONICLE LEAD ARTICLE, dated October 23, 2026.

RUSSIA ACCUSES USA OF TRESPASS AND DEMANDS IMMEDIATE REMOVAL OF PERSEVERANCE FROM MARS!

In the latest development in the Tardigate Crisis, the Kremlin has insisted that operation of the Perseverance Rover on Russian territory amounts to a threat to its sovereignty and is considered as espionage. A Russian military spokesperson emphasized, that the continued presence of the Rover would be viewed as an act of war.

EXCERPT FROM THE ARLINGTON CHRONICLE LEAD ARTICLE, dated October 24, 2026.

US GENERAL DOWNPLAYS RUSSIAN THREATS!

The Chief of Staff today reassured journalists that Russian rhetoric should not be taken too seriously. He reminded the press conference that the Kremlin has a track record of nationalist bravado in times of economic difficulties, and that the current controversy was probably designed to distract the Russian people from the country’s other problems.

EXCERPT FROM THE ARLINGTON CHRONICLE LEAD ARTICLE, dated October 26, 2026.

EDITORIAL STATEMENT

The Arlington Chronicle is receiving reports that nuclear missiles have detonated along the western seaboard of the United States. No official statements have been released, and all government departments are being relocated to bunkers. Most internet and cell phone networks have ceased to function. Landline communications are intermittent. The government advises all citizens to remain at home and seal all windows and doors to prevent radioactive contamination.

EXCERPT FROM THE ARLINGTON CHRONICLE LEAD ARTICLE, dated October 29, 2026.

EMERGENCY ISSUE

The Chronicle is unable to continue production, and is closing down for the foreseeable future. The latest news received in our offices is that missiles have been launched from bases in Colorado and Wyoming. We feel assured that our government will prevail, and that America will rise from the ashes, and reclaim our right to prevent Russian expansion, by ridding Mars of the insidious tardigrades.

~

Bio:

Matt MacBride is an aspiring British writer and podcast content creator enjoying retirement on Spain’s beautiful Costa Blanca. He writes short stories, novellas, and screenplays in a variety of genres, and has been published online and in print in the UK, USA and Spain.

Philosophy Note:

In May 2021, Episode 197 of ‘Houston We Have a Podcast’ discussed the subject of water bears (tardigrades) surviving in space, and experiments conducted on the ISS. This led me to the idea of a ludicrous international incident sparked by the colonization of Mars by tardigrades.

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Just Add Salt

A culinary anecdote one won't find in any Michelin guide, by Al Simmons.

The Lazarus Serum

by Matt MacBride

Transcript of farewell speech given to the 20th International Congress of Second Lifers by outgoing Chairman Zander P Stanton on December 30th 2089.

I am, as you all know, a very old man, approaching the hundredth year of my second life, and now is the time for me to step down as Chairman of this illustrious organization. But, before I do, I would like to remind the more recently revitalized comrades among us of our turbulent history and how we came to dominate the world.

When I was a boy, entities like us were extremely rare and were regarded by most people as nothing but myth and legend. They were the subjects of fantastical storybooks and horror movies and were referred to in the most derogatory of terms. The undead, the living dead, nightwalkers and, worst of all, the ‘Z’ word. A word which is no longer permitted, thank Yeshua.

But then came the advent of new life extending drugs and, even more significantly, the Lazarus Serum that could resurrect the recently departed. This led to a huge increase in the numbers of the undead, who we now refer to as second lifers.

However, the second lifers were mercilessly persecuted. They were vilified by the first lifers, who regarded them as monsters.

It is still true that the Lazarus Serum does not reverse brain damage, so those among us who are not resurrected immediately remain somewhat intellectually challenged and physically impaired, and mainly because of that, the bigotry enacted against our kind prior to the Planetary War was inhumane.

Second lifers were expected to carry out every menial, mindless or perilous task without complaint. It was considered that their second lives were less valuable than a first life. As a consequence, our antecedents suffered greatly, and this naturally fomented unrest and friction between the two categories of humanity.

And I have to admit to you all that, before my own resurrection, I was guilty of the same arrogance. I believed my quickness of thought and reactions set me above the ponderous second life creatures I saw all around me. But even that quickness wasn’t enough to save me from the first lifer who stabbed me during a ruckus in a bar one night.

So, still a young man, I became a second lifer and, thanks to the rapid response of the medical services, I was revived with all my faculties intact. But this wasn’t enough to prevent the discrimination I experienced. I too was expected to perform the most demeaning activities imaginable.

It was because of that oppression that I founded MER, the Movement for the Empowerment of the Reborn and devoted my second life to improving conditions for the resurrected. With hard work and the divine help of Lazarus, our patron saint, our numbers grew and we became a force to be reckoned with. But it was not until the Planetary War that our situation really changed.

The first lifers, with their quick wits also had quick tempers, and when war broke out it soon spread to all parts of the world. The death toll was horrendous. Weapons of mass destruction destroyed entire cities, and bodies piled up in the streets. But, of course, each casualty of the war was an additional recruit to our cause, because our members moved among the corpses, administering the Lazarus Serum to those that were not too badly damaged.

When the war had finally played itself out, our numbers had increased exponentially. We outnumbered the first lifers by three to one. At last, our time had come. We had the upper hand, and so it has remained for the last twenty years.

The tables have turned and it is now the newly born who carry out the menial tasks and suffer for the duration of their pathetic first lives. They serve and worship us in the knowledge that, one day, they will die and, on their day of judgement, we will decide whether they are worthy to join us. And that is how it should be, because are we not the chosen elite? Was not Yeshua himself, resurrected after his crucifixion, a second lifer?

And so, my people, I leave you in the knowledge that I have played a part in the creation of a new world. A world where the age-old questions of life after death and the existence of heaven and hell have been answered.

For while the first lifers live in their hell, are we not already living the afterlife in a heaven of our own creation?

APPLAUSE

~

Bio:

Matt MacBride is an aspiring British writer and podcast content creator enjoying retirement on Spain’s beautiful Costa Blanca. He writes short stories, novellas, and screenplays in a variety of genres, and has been published online and in print in the UK, USA and Spain.

Philosophy Note:

We’ve all read occasional reports about clinically dead people being revived, even after four or five hours under optimal medical conditions. After that, cell damage begins. However, advances in medicine and revival techniques make it quite possible that new drugs such as ‘The Lazarus Serum’ could make the process ubiquitous in the future. To hear Zander P Stanton tell the story himself, click here.

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