by Matt MacBride

EXCERPT FROM THE ARLINGTON CHRONICLE LEAD ARTICLE, dated October 12, 2026.
LIFE DISCOVERED ON MARS!
The question that scientists have been asking for decades has finally been answered! There is life on Mars! Early yesterday morning, the Perseverance Mars Rover detected small movements on a ridge. The Rover is now approaching the location to conduct a closer examination.
EXCERPT FROM THE ARLINGTON CHRONICLE LEAD ARTICLE, dated October 14, 2026.
MARTIAN LIFE FORMS IDENTIFIED!
Zoologists, studying images of the Martian life forms, have identified them as a species of tardigrade. Otherwise known as a water bear. Tardigrades are an eight legged micro-animal, known to be able to survive in extreme conditions. They are normally microscopic in size. But the Martian species appears to have grown to the size of caterpillars.
EXCERPT FROM THE ARLINGTON CHRONICLE LEAD ARTICLE, dated October 17, 2026.
RUSSIAN PRESIDENT CLAIMS MARS IS PART OF RUSSIAN FEDERATION!
In a televised announcement yesterday, the Russian president claimed Mars is the property of the Russian Federation. His claim is based on the fact that, when the Soviet Mars 3 Lander touched down on the red planet in December 1971, it was carrying various experiments and samples. These included several Siberian Tardigrades. As the tardigrades are Russian, and have now colonized Mars, the planet therefore belongs to the Federation.
EXCERPT FROM THE ARLINGTON CHRONICLE LEAD ARTICLE, dated October 18, 2026.
US PRESIDENT REFUTES RUSSIAN CLAIM TO MARS!
The White House today issued a statement dismissing Russian claims to the planet Mars. The president declared the Russian stance to be totally ridiculous and laughable. To quote the President’s words; “The presence of a few Russian bugs in no way constitutes valid proof of ownership. I intend to order NASA to use the laser on Perseverance to fry those cooties and sanitize the planet.” Experts agreed with the President’s decision, on the basis that the introduction of terrestrial life to Mars could endanger the evolution of new alien life forms.
EXCERPT FROM THE ARLINGTON CHRONICLE LEAD ARTICLE, dated October 19, 2026.
RUSSIAN PRESIDENT GRANTS CITIZENSHIP TO MARTIAN TARDIGRADES!
At a ceremony held at the Kremlin this morning, the President of the Russian Federation bestowed Russian citizenship on all tardigrades, saying they were valued members of Russian society. He also said that the symbol of the Russian Bear would be changed to the Russian Water Bear, in honor of their contribution to the colonization of Mars.
EXCERPT FROM THE ARLINGTON CHRONICLE LEAD ARTICLE, dated October 20, 2026.
US PRESIDENT ORDERS DESTRUCTION OF MARTIAN TARDIGRADES!
An unnamed source at NASA has confirmed that Perseverance has begun eliminating tardigrades. The onboard laser, normally used for blasting rocks to obtain dust samples, is remotely aimed, and our source reported that shooting the bugs is more fun than Call of Duty. The operation is expected to last several weeks as the colony extends over a larger area than first thought.
EXCERPT FROM THE ARLINGTON CHRONICLE LEAD ARTICLE, dated October 21, 2026.
KREMLIN ISSUES WARNING OVER MURDER OF RUSSIAN CITIZENS!
A spokesperson for the Russian Federation has issued a warning that the unwarranted massacring of innocent citizens amounts to genocide, and will not be tolerated. The statement goes on to state that, if it is not halted immediately, there will be dire consequences. Other reports have been received that the Russian Pacific Fleet has sailed from its base near Vladivostok, and is heading towards the USA.
EXCERPT FROM THE ARLINGTON CHRONICLE LEAD ARTICLE, dated October 22, 2026.
US PRESIDENT LEAVES WHITE HOUSE!
The US President together with his family have reportedly left the White House for an unknown destination. The move is due to heightened tensions between the US and Russia, over the crisis which has become known as Tardigate. Before leaving, the President made a short speech to White House staffers, thanking them for their continued support at this difficult juncture in his administration.
EXCERPT FROM THE ARLINGTON CHRONICLE LEAD ARTICLE, dated October 23, 2026.
RUSSIA ACCUSES USA OF TRESPASS AND DEMANDS IMMEDIATE REMOVAL OF PERSEVERANCE FROM MARS!
In the latest development in the Tardigate Crisis, the Kremlin has insisted that operation of the Perseverance Rover on Russian territory amounts to a threat to its sovereignty and is considered as espionage. A Russian military spokesperson emphasized, that the continued presence of the Rover would be viewed as an act of war.
EXCERPT FROM THE ARLINGTON CHRONICLE LEAD ARTICLE, dated October 24, 2026.
US GENERAL DOWNPLAYS RUSSIAN THREATS!
The Chief of Staff today reassured journalists that Russian rhetoric should not be taken too seriously. He reminded the press conference that the Kremlin has a track record of nationalist bravado in times of economic difficulties, and that the current controversy was probably designed to distract the Russian people from the country’s other problems.
EXCERPT FROM THE ARLINGTON CHRONICLE LEAD ARTICLE, dated October 26, 2026.
EDITORIAL STATEMENT
The Arlington Chronicle is receiving reports that nuclear missiles have detonated along the western seaboard of the United States. No official statements have been released, and all government departments are being relocated to bunkers. Most internet and cell phone networks have ceased to function. Landline communications are intermittent. The government advises all citizens to remain at home and seal all windows and doors to prevent radioactive contamination.
EXCERPT FROM THE ARLINGTON CHRONICLE LEAD ARTICLE, dated October 29, 2026.
EMERGENCY ISSUE
The Chronicle is unable to continue production, and is closing down for the foreseeable future. The latest news received in our offices is that missiles have been launched from bases in Colorado and Wyoming. We feel assured that our government will prevail, and that America will rise from the ashes, and reclaim our right to prevent Russian expansion, by ridding Mars of the insidious tardigrades.
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Bio:
Matt MacBride is an aspiring British writer and podcast content creator enjoying retirement on Spain’s beautiful Costa Blanca. He writes short stories, novellas, and screenplays in a variety of genres, and has been published online and in print in the UK, USA and Spain.
Philosophy Note:
In May 2021, Episode 197 of ‘Houston We Have a Podcast’ discussed the subject of water bears (tardigrades) surviving in space, and experiments conducted on the ISS. This led me to the idea of a ludicrous international incident sparked by the colonization of Mars by tardigrades.